My job is pretty much the only thing I stress about in my life. The problem isn’t that the job is too much to handle, its getting people to do THEIR jobs. I don’t understand how people don’t want to work. Get off your lazy ass and earn the money you make. Funny part is that its the people that I thought I was ‘friends’ with that do the least. I’m tired of chasing grown ups around playing hide and seek in order for things to get done. Smh grow up and pull your weight assholes.

Soooo 2 girls that I have HUGE crushes on… their boyfriends come back from the military this week. (One is already here) now its just time to play the waiting game. I don’t think either of them will last, so let’s see who’s free to snatch up first }:D muahahahahaha

why? <— seems to be the the most important question to ask about any situation. if you can understand why about anything then you will truely get it. why do we not ask why more? we tend to ask who what when where, but why, it seems to get lost. lost in translation? lost in descriptions? lost, cause of a lack of intrest, or intrests? a reason. one of the most dangerous motivations known to man. people can do such great and such terrible things. all for one little reason. the reason usually starts off very simple, but as the reason is told to people it seems to grow more and more complex and complicated. gathering more and more ‘details’ as it passes through more and more people. so if you want the real reason as to why something is happening, then always go to the source. taking ‘information’ from other people will always give you the wrong perspective. if you dont hear it straight from the horses mouth, then dont believe that the horse can talk. if a certain subject doesnt warrant you going where ever you need to to hear it from the source, then its not worth ‘fighting’ for. so please dont make yourself ignorant by believing second hand talk. so always ask why to the right person before you make a decision to speak or act on something.

Life is a funny thing. The way it works is just so random, yet specific. Its probably the most contradictory thing I can think of… its such an oxymoron. Its beautiful, yet so ugly. Easy, yet so hard. Predictable yet so unexpected. You can laugh, cry, and even cry from laughing. Its so inconsistent. Forever changing. Then again everything is all perspective. Different people will always say different things even though they see the exact same thing. But one thing that I think every being on this earth can agree to; is the meaning of life. I don’t know why people spend their life trying to find that answer. All you have to do is look at children. They have it down from the get go. It forever has been, and forever will be, to live a happy life. Whatever that may be to you. Find what makes you happy and hold on to it. A life spent being happy is all anyone can ever ask for. So stop pursuing money, power, respect. Seek happiness. Everything else is trivial.

:)

Ive come to realise that most of my friendships are electronic in nature. There’s only 3 people that I really hangout with in person. Other than that, everyone else is pretty much just a word on a screen. If I deactivated my facebook account I would realise just how many friends I really have. 3. The rest are more just aquaintances. Seeing eachother only when we happen to be in the same place (ex. Club). I find this kind of depressing. Oh well, it will make it that much easier when I finally move. No goodbyes, no sianaras. Just a deactivated facebook account. Its disapointing that, that is all it will take to disapear from peoples lives. But at the same time, its good that it will be so easy to start fresh.

I have this disgust for for people who have absolutely no problem asking for handouts. Always asking for free things, always expecting to get what they want with little to no effort put in. How do you live with yourself? How do you sleep at night? It doesn’t bother you that you have nothing that you can truely call your own? Everything was given to you. Nothing was earned. Do you still feel a sense of accomplishment when you ask and receive? Where is your honor? Your pride? Your sense of duty to yourself? This has come to be expected from women. Not so much for men. But I look at both with the same look I would give a pile of dog shit in my walking path. No look, just keep walking. I don’t care if your a man or woman, work for you want, don’t expect things from people. Expect things from yourself. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t ask for things. I think if you truely need something and there is no way you can do it on your own then ask. Don’t be ashamed, everyone needs help from time to time. But to live your life with clean, open hands seems like a low existance. I prefer dirty scarred up hands from years of labor and always tightly clenched into a fist because they are constantly fighting for what they want. Having this type of mindset doesn’t always make my life easy, but if life was easy, what would be the point? I’m a strong person because I lift the weight of my world on my own. But I stay safe and recognize all of the spotters in my life, standing by my side watching. Waiting. And when I need it, they are there to help in any way they can. I love and appreciate these people and am always willing to do the same for them. These people are all family. We may not be blood, but I believe what I have with these people is much stronger than blood. Its a tested true relationship of respect and love. Where would I be without them? I have no idea. And I don’t plan on finding out. So please, close your hands and keep your fists clenched cause you never know when something worth fighting for will come into your life.

I’m back at the scene of the crime. Same place, same time. And I find a rush of thoughts going through my head. Most of which are me hoping all 5 come walking down the street again. Them thinking to themselves ‘heres this dumbass again, let’s do this. Round 2’ last time they had the advantage of surprise on their side. This time, I’m ready though. No weapons. Just me. I don’t care what they have. I’m gonna handle this with honor. My biggest problem with what happened that morning isn’t that it happened but that I had to run. This time the mindset won’t let me. I will show these fuckers to fuck with me. Scenes of the fight to come running through my head, going through all possible scenarios. I’m ready. Just come. Please come. Then it happens. The bus stops in front of me. As I step into it, 2 feelings hit me. Relief… and disapointment. I tell myself 2 things cause of these 2 feelings, 1. Don’t get too comfortable there’s plenty other people willing to try to pull what they pulled. 2. Don’t worry, there’s plenty more mornings for them to come and try it again.

Its such a blow to your pride, ego, self esteem, confidence, and all around happyness when something you thought was yours ends up being given to someone else. Being told ‘sorry, but you and what you do just aren’t good enough.’ Thats not what was said, but what’s said doesn’t matter in the end. Its how its taken that really matters. That moment when it happens and everyone is looking at you to see your reaction because they all thought it was yours too. So as soon as it happens you have a flash of bewilderment on your face, but you quickly switch that to a smile cause you think to yourself ‘smile, people are watching’ you don’t want to give them one more thing to talk about. But the worst part is that they give it to someone who is totally undeserving, and doesn’t even know if they want it. Smh its sad when the people in charge have no idea about what really goes on. But all you can do is keep smiling and put up this front like your happy for the person… ‘humbling’ that’s all I can say about this situation… especially since they had me scraping floors right after. Thanks for that.

My version of a piece done by Jun Cha. An awwsome tattoo artist from L.A. I hope to one day to be able to do what he does… for now this is as close as I can get. I have a long road ahead of me…

tattoo #juncha #mary #religious #fresno